Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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