pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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