My liver just broke up with me...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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