Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
