dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
