you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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