so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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