How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
