I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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