yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
