He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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