he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
