A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
