I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
