new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
