I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
