I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
