I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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