just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sext me about skeletons
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
