I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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