I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
