I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
