Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
