One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
