i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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