You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
They are going to name an STD after you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
