i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
