just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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