I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
