I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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