hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i've created a new STD.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
