Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
