dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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