You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Four minutes until I can fart!
My pussy is not your playground.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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