i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
