just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
