Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
soo... how was my night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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