I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
