I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
