i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
