Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
