I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
