The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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