that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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