if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i was born a porn star she said
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
