I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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