Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
