so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
