just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
