hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
