I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
